State of Mind
I apologize for this upcoming super long post. I need this right now, there is no one to call, I just poured my first cup of coffee, and I can’t figure out the “read more” function on mobile. My current state of mind is slowly deteriorating. I’ll break this down into shorter comprehensible parts. This is more for me than it is for you…pretty much how it has always been on this.
Academics: I’ve been doing mediocre, below average, grossly unlike myself. I stepped into this semester on the wrong foot. I haven’t lost hope…but I have lost several other things. I’ll sound like a super angst teen but I hate this routine I’m putting myself under. I hate waking up at 6 am. I am very much disliking my English class. I feel so incompetent that it’s taking me to the point of being uncomfortable with my ability to learn in that class. I’m driven to learn…just not in the way my teacher elicits it. It’s difficult for me to study. I need complete silence, away from distraction. The only time frame where work is possible is 12 am to 2 am. It’s hard. I can’t. I miss the library. I worry about all this. I wish I made wiser decisions about this semester.
Health: I sleep two hours every night, drink at least 24 ounces of coffee (and on occasion tea) everyday to just last. I’m slowly slipping back into the habit of forgetting to eat. My stress levels have started to overpower my medication and it’s beginning to show. I need an appointment with my optometrist, dentistry, allergist, and dermatologist. My wisdom teeth are killing me and it’s hard to floss. I just can’t even.
Motivation/drive: These past few months have been a blow to me emotionally and mentally lowering my overall drive to continue everything I do. I used to be driven by a certain end goal but after much contemplation, I realized that I don’t have a real end goal. I can’t strive for anything that isn’t there. This isn’t me. I am never ever ever this pessimistic. I am all about optimism, looking forward, and finding ways to improve but something within this mentality died in the last month. I am not okay…and I know it. I truly think my lack of sleep is hitting me hard. I can’t properly focus on anything. I’m letting the fear of unknowing future drive my decisions once again. But I don’t even think it’s that at this point. My life is terribly insignificant, as is all of yours. Once we’re dead our legacy is all gone. Excuse this existential crisis right now. I’m pretty much having the greatest difficulty with trying to find the motivation to work with the idea that whatever I do in my short lifetime will mean absolutely nothing in 100 years.
Family: I’ve said this before but I’ve lost my greatest support system. I would rather much stay home alone this holiday than spend it with them. I don’t feel like I belong when I’m with them. They may be nice and genuine people to be with but I really can’t consider them family, especially after how you handled that situation. I think I’m better off sleeping this holiday than eating turkey, pie, etc. with ya’ll. Please don’t take it to heart when I make that request. I just really want to be alone. On the other hand…I wouldn’t mind spending the holiday with their warmth…but I know it’ll never happen because that’s just how it’s always been: Thanksgiving with you, Christmas with them. Sometimes that isn’t true though. I don’t know. It feels like I have no family right now. I spend afternoons/evenings in my uncle’s apartment across the street from my school and it feels like I live by myself…it’s ridiculous.
You (pointed towards multiple people): Go away. I can’t handle it anymore. If you don’t go, I will. Somewhere down the road, though, I feel like I’ll end up calling you with nothing else to say but “I need help.” I can’t deny that I miss you and the sound of your laugh. I wonder what it’ll take for us to Skype because that would be greatly appreciated. I just really miss you and I doubt you even realize it. I’m actually even a little jealous. Talk about unrequited romantic feelings, eh? It happens and I accept it but you could handle it much better. I don’t need you bantering on me though. I can take care of myself…and I don’t need direction…I need help.
Others: It’s honestly so difficult to listen to others praise me for my work and drive and “talent” when I know how terrible of a job I am doing. I can’t handle others calling me their “inspiration” because I a, so full of bullshit. I deserve nothing so please don’t. I am not even a decent role model for my little brother.
I think this is as much as I could possibly produce right now. I’m sure I’ve missed a few points here and there but I think you understand the overall gist. I know there are larger issues to be concerned with but I’m allowed to be selfish every once in a while. I’m done with this all. I will no longer do this any more.
Goodbye. (But hi mao-mao.)